Confident people do not need to accept unacceptable behavior
from another person. When someone behaves inappropriately or
is potentially abusive,
your best option is to let
her know what
you see, and
stop the bad behavior in its
tracks.
By doing so you are setting a boundary for yourself that
will serve you well. If you don’t, when people see that you are willing to let
them do or say things that are questionable, you are actually giving them
permission to continue doing so.
Saying “stop” or, if necessary, leaving the room (or asking
the other person to) lets him know he has crossed a line and signals him not to
do it again. Discussing the offending behaviors may be necessary, and important
if you want to save the relationship, so don’t just point to the door; let
people know you are willing to talk about it.
Do not let
yourself be abused.
It will erode
your confidence faster than anything else I can think of.
Always
Have A Plan B
We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a
second chance. Because many things don’t go as well as we would like them to,
it’s a great idea to have a “Plan B.” Having fallback plans can’t help but make
you feel better about the outcome of
any situation, and
it is a
common denominator among very self-confident people.
Anyone who has
had more than
one failure in her
life can tell
you that having
another path to
take probably saved her bacon a time or two. I’m a big one for contingency
plans. If you
are an entrepreneur,
in the arts or
media, or you
have all your
eggs in one basket, a Plan B is essential.
Knowing that if you lose the farm you have a condo you can
go to makes you feel safer in the world. I know a number of people who have
motor homes, and one of the reasons they do is, as they jokingly say, it’s
their “in case” home. During the last big earthquake here in Los Angeles,
many people who
had them were
very grateful—and those of us who didn’t were envious.
With the world economy in turmoil, creating some kind of
additional income stream is also a good idea. The jeweler who is also a great
designer or builder, the computer
geek who can
also teach school,
or the PR person
who is a
closet novelist can
all find a
way to thrive even if their
current position disappears.
Backup plans don’t
have to be
new ideas—I continue to
use aspects of
everything I’ve ever
done. My days on stage playing guitar have made me a better public
speaker, which makes me a good radio host. The energy I
put into songs
and poems has
helped them become columns and
books.
The years I spent running my
own business give
me the insight
to help others streamline theirs.
And all of my
experiences have made me a confident
and successful therapist.
Every talent and ability
you have can
be built upon
and also used again.
Not that I’d
ever again want
to be on
a tour bus with six smelly guys
for eight weeks, but if I had to I could still put food on the table by humming
and strumming.
There’s another potential
upside here: Sometimes your original
plan and your
backup can work
at the same time. I still
counsel, consult, write, and speak to groups all over the world. In years when
the speaking business got very
slow (such as
after 9/11 and
then the financial crisis),
I spent more
time writing and counseling.
When there was
a lull between
books, I put more
energy into my
radio show and
business consulting, and did pro-bono events. Having multiple options
gives you the sense that, if any one thing went away, you’d have other gigs
that would more than fill the gap.
So get a little creative. Look at your past accomplishments
and your current talents. A Plan B is only an idea away. By the way, this Plan
B thing works in life, but not in relationships. Having a backup mate is only
going to erode your current relationship and cause heartache for everyone
involved. Enough said.
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