Confidence...thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness
of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without
them it cannot live. On several occasions my desire to see the good in people
has blinded me to the arguably brutal negativity that some
misdirected souls feel
entitled to inflict
on others. Perhaps the greatest betrayal is when someone we trust
is mean to
us. It messes
with our esteem
as well as our trust in that person, and it can affect other relationships
as well.
Some people use
meanness to get
their way. Sometimes it’s
a pouty mean,
the kind we
use when we are
children to give a voice
to our powerlessness. At other
times meanness can
be an equalizer,
giving someone the perception
that she can
protect herself from an emotional
terrorist.
People who try to vanquish negativity in this manner are
usually outmatched. It’s also hard to keep mean energy inside you if you are
not really a mean
person. But, most
unfortunately, truly mean people
do exist.
Some overtly aggressive
humans act out
in ways that they
sense will make
their victims cower.
Most normal people who
are being treated
this way will submit
to almost anything
to get rid
of the pain
and anxiety. Mean people
also enjoy the
feeling of power their behavior gives them.
For them, being mean is an addiction, and the meanness
becomes something they try to keep
burning inside themselves.
They must be unaware of how this type of personality
will eventually destroy any relationship
or crumb of
love that might have come their way.
It seems that
there is more
meanness today than in
the past. I
witness rudeness to
service people who are
doing their jobs
with a smile,
teenagers insulting each other as
though it were an art form, and separated couples trying
fruitlessly to seek
revenge through the courts
and their children.
Everyone has to
win, and most
who get into
this pattern will
stop at nothing.
When this happens, everyone ends up losing.
If you have to deal with a mean person on a regular
basis, here are
three things you
can do to
be more confident in that
situation.
1. Get support.
Telling someone what you are going through will help give
you a place to put your pain and perhaps
give you some
perspective. Whether this is a one-time event or an ongoing tragedy, the
benefit of sharing your feelings will help to heal them.
2. Realize you have a choice.
If you’ve been brought up around mean people, being around
someone who understands and is sensitive can be an eye-opener. Not everyone
behaves in a toxic manner. Choose to associate with people who are kind.
3. Get out of the way.
Most people leave their jobs because they don’t get along
with their bosses. It’s okay to leave or to end something if you are being
abused. This goes for personal as well as professional relationships.
I don’t think
I’ve ever seen
someone respond positively to
meanness. Meanness is a poor tactic used by the insecure, and it never works in
the end. If you are mean, give it up. Like the song says, “Mean people suck.”
Always Have A Plan B
We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance. Because many things don’t go as well as we would like them to, it’s a great idea to have a “Plan B.” Having fallback plans can’t help but make you feel better about the outcome of any situation, and it is a common denominator among very self-confident people.
Anyone who has had more than one failure in her life can tell you that having another path to take probably saved her bacon a time or two. I’m a big one for contingency plans. If you are an entrepreneur, in the arts or media, or you have all your eggs in one basket, a Plan B is essential.
Knowing that if you lose the farm you have a condo you can go to makes you feel safer in the world. I know a number of people who have motor homes, and one of the reasons they do is, as they jokingly say, it’s their “in case” home. During the last big earthquake here in Los Angeles, many people who had them were very grateful—and those of us who didn’t were envious.
With the world economy in turmoil, creating some kind of additional income stream is also a good idea. The jeweler who is also a great designer or builder, the computer geek who can also teach school, or the PR person who is a closet novelist can all find a way to thrive even if their current position disappears.
Backup plans don’t have to be new ideas—I continue to use aspects of everything I’ve ever done. My days on stage playing guitar have made me a better public speaker, which makes me a good radio host. The energy I put into songs and poems has helped them become columns and books.
The years I spent running my own business give me the insight to help others streamline theirs.
And all of my experiences have made me a confident and successful therapist. Every talent and ability you have can be built upon and also used again. Not that I’d ever again want to be on a tour bus with six smelly guys for eight weeks, but if I had to I could still put food on the table by humming and strumming.
There’s another potential upside here: Sometimes your original plan and your backup can work at the same time. I still counsel, consult, write, and speak to groups all over the world. In years when the speaking business got very slow (such as after 9/11 and then the financial crisis), I spent more time writing and counseling.
When there was a lull between books, I put more energy into my radio show and business consulting, and did pro-bono events. Having multiple options gives you the sense that, if any one thing went away, you’d have other gigs that would more than fill the gap.
So get a little creative. Look at your past accomplishments and your current talents. A Plan B is only an idea away. By the way, this Plan B thing works in life, but not in relationships. Having a backup mate is only going to erode your current relationship and cause heartache for everyone involved. Enough said.
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